Over the years we have had
many humorous articles in the PARCing Space, mainly on the subjects of Amateur Radio,
Engineering, Technology or Computing. Some of these have been found on the World Wide Web
and repeated verbatim, others have been modified to suit the UK Amateur Radio scene, and a
few have been PARC originals!
We
have collected them here, in roughly chronological order, for your enjoyment........
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - Its performance is SO-SO, but it looks very hi-tech.
STATE OF THE ART - Only one engineer understands it (and they don't work for us any more).
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Our production is so behind schedule you'll be happy to get it delivered at all.
NEW PRODUCT - Last years model with a different coloured case.
ALL NEW PRODUCT - None of the parts or accessories are interchangeable with any previous model.
RUGGED - Too heavy to lift!
LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED (slightly).
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got it to work.
ENERGY SAVING - Best achieved when the power switch is off.
LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
BARGAIN PRICE - If your day job involves purchasing battleships for the Royal Navy that is.
DIGITAL SIGNAL PROCESSING - Has an ON/OFF switch (think about it!).
ADVANCED DIGITAL SIGNAL PROCESSING - Has a tone control switch as well as an ON/OFF switch.
PURPOSE BUILT MOBILE RIG - We've tried but we just can't get the power consumption low enough to package it as a handheld.
PURPOSE BUILT BASE STATION - (see above)
(Based on modified extracts from the 'Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies'
plus a few extra additions by myself.)
A PARC original, to encourage members to use our shack!
(First published in July 1996)
Did you know that if you type 'PORTLAND AMATEUR RADIO CLUB' using the Microsoft Windows 'WingDings' font the mystical symbols
Portland Amateur
Radio Club
conclusively reveal the little known fact that the PARC shack lies on an immensely important ancient druidic site, a node of intense cosmic power, at the the intersection of 27 Ley-lines. Emitting electromagnetic vibrations at the resonant frequency of the upright stones of Stonehenge (on the 2m & 70cm bands) will create a space-time vortex and all of the secrets of the cosmos will be revealed to you in an instant. Consulting the works of Nostradamus shows that, for best effect, these emissions must take place on Thursday or Sunday evenings, at around the hour of 7pm onwards local time. So, don't miss the chance to become at one with the universe. You know it makes sense.
Remember - The Shack is out there
NEXT MONTH: Which members of PARC are really SPACE ALIENS in disguise - and how to tell!
(First published in October 1996)
- The only time you get up at 6am is for a hamfest.
- You know you can run all your home appliances on your equipment back-up battery.
- Someone in a Music shop asks you what bands you like and you answer two metres and seventy centimetres.
- A bank clerk asks you to spell your name and you do so phonetically.
- In a conversation, you wait for the Roger tone before speaking.
- You hear a scraping sound when driving through multi-storey car parks.
- A band opening is more important than a grand opening.
- Sight-seeing on holiday amounts to looking at rooftops for antennas.
- The radios in your car are worth more than your car.
- When you walk out of the house you not only feel your pockets for your keys and your wallet, but also your hip for your handheld.
- Your child's schoolteacher calls you on the phone to ask why your child identified countries on the world map as JA, ZL, VE, G, UA and XE.
- If you refer to your house as "Ohm, sweet Ohm".
- You're talking on the phone and end every sentence with "(callsign) this is (callsign), over".
- Your prime criterion for a new car is that it have zero ignition noise.
- You and your partner hike to the top of a famous mountain, but rather than enjoy the magnificent sunset and giving them a kiss, you fire up the Hand Portable to see how many repeaters you can hit.
- You realise that you've been studying code too long because you try and find out who did it in 'Inspector Morse' by listening to the background music.
- You look at the Pennine Mountain Range and try to figure out how to get an antenna mounted on the highest peak.
- You look at the Severn Bridge and develop a plan to get it to resonate on 160 metres.
Originated by Mike Lazaroff KB3RG. Downloaded from the 'Wireless Institute of Australia, New South Wales Division' Web Pages on the Internet, and slightly Anglicised by myself.
A PARC original - some musings on possible callsign combinations
(First published in March 1997)
Now that the 'M0' and 'M1' series callsigns are well under way, perhaps it is time to muse on the fact that they represent a considerable scope, over the 'G' series, for those inclined towards 'personalised' callsigns......
For Amateurs on the move, how about M0BIL or M0BLE - the latter already claimed, I believe, by PARC member Jon, 2E1EQA.
The wealthier among us might want M0NEY,
An amateurs with a sense of humour could deserve M1RTH
Computer fans might desire - M1CRO, or M0USE
Amateurs with names beginning with 'M' are fairly well served, for example:
M1CKY, M1KEY, M1NNY, M1LLY, M0LLY, M0NTY
Very apt for an 'A' licensee - M0RSE
But can you think of an amateur who deserves the callsign M0UTH
But surely, who out there wants to wait in line for the callsign
'Mike-Zero-Romeo-Oscar-November......'
(First
published in April 1997)
An amateur had an accident and this is an extract from his insurance claim form......
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
(from Terry VE1TRB - downloaded from the Internet)
(First
published in August 1997)
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU -- rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as "EuroEnglish".
The agreed plan is as follows:
Year 1. In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
Year 2. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
Year 3. Publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.
Year 4. By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor kebroard spas).
Year 5. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensiblil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrerun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer...
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU !!
(from Dave, G1OCN, via satellite)
(First
published in September 1997)
Have you ever wondered why Engineers and Scientists never earn as much money as accountants, solicitors, business executives etc. At last there exists a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
First consider these two well known postulates:
Postulate 1: "Knowledge is Power"
Postulate 2: "Time is Money"
And, as every engineer knows,
WORK / TIME = POWER
Substituting postulate 1 we get:
WORK / TIME = KNOWLEDGE
And substituting postulate 2:
WORK / MONEY = KNOWLEDGE
Solving for money, we get:
WORK / KNOWLEDGE = MONEY
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the Work done!
QED: The Less you Know, the More Money you Make!!!
(From an Internet Engineering Newsgroup)
(First
published in October 1997)
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careered almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
(from the Internet)
A
PARC original and my own personal favourite! (First published in November/December 1997)
(In association with S. Claus Enterprises)
Presents........
The ideal Christmas Present Idea!
Are you fed up with all that ironwork and cabling in your garden?
Are you tired of freezing in your draughty outside shack and having to stay up to all hours for those elusive contacts?
Are you spending more than you can afford on your Hobby?
What you need is........
Yes, thanks to the miracle of modern micro-electronics, you can now own your own virtual-reality radio ham. All of the excitement of Amateur Radio without the fuss, mess, and expense! From the moment your Hamagotchi is issued its 'virtual licence' you must fulfil all its needs - give it regular 'virtual QSO's ', fill in its 'virtual log-book', pay its 'virtual licence fee' and it will grow and thrive.
Forget though - and your Hamagotchi's virtual licence will be revoked and it will be sent to 'RA' virtual heaven. Don't worry though, just press the reset button and the 'Hamagotchi' will soon be issued with a new valid licence.
Standard
'Hamagotchi' only £9.99 each
De-luxe 'A-class' model** only £12.99 each
** (actually talks to you in a quaint language of long and short bleeps)
Remember - 'Hamagotchi' are not available in the shops!
(First
published in February 1998)
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before carrying out the above step as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass: a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught with a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute the above Algorithm on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random and stopping when one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and indeed most have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired at £50/hour (plus expenses) to advise those people who do.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES-PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES-PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES-PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.
(from the Internet)
(First
published in April 1998)
For those new to ham radio, here are some useful definitions, pertaining to antennas and DX-ing.
| S.W.R. | A term, applied to any part of the antenna system, which means: "Savings-to-Watt Ratio". Based on the inverse relationship of dollars in the bank and effective radiated power. |
| Characteristic Impedance | The usual reaction of your spouse when told about the proposed antenna system. |
| Traps | Devices installed in antennas to collect rain-water, to keep it from running further down the antenna. |
| Wind Loading | The measure of how much more awkward it gets to handle a big beam as you ascend the tower. |
| Balun (Pronounced: "balloon" by many). | An anti-surveillance device, installed in coaxial lines at the antenna, to prevent nosy neighbors from eavesdropping on you through their TV sets. |
| Transmatch | A device mistakenly believed to decrease S.W.R.. The premise is that this device allows you to load up into a mis-matched antenna. Unfortunately, it the cost of one that lowers your S.W.R. |
| House Bracket | A device which secures the house and the tower together. It lets the tower do double-duty by holding up the house during severe windstorms. |
| Rotator Control Box | A device which is designed to let you monitor antenna "windmilling". |
| Windmilling | A technique whereby prevailing winds are allowed to rotate the antenna, enabling the operator to "scan" the radio horizon. |
| Dummy Load | A measure of the stress exerted on a tower by a ham who climbs the tower without a safety belt. |
| Coax (Usually mis-pronounced as two syllables). | A term applied to the maneuvering of a piece of transmission line through the attic or walls of a house. |
| Db's Gain | A bunch of yellow-jacketed wasps found a great place to build their nest, at the bottom of the rotator housing on my tower. |
| Db's Loss | Fortunately, lightning struck the tower and the wasps were totally destroyed. |
Vertical |
A much-maligned antenna, said by some critics to "radiate equally poorly in all directions". This is not true, as many who have built one know. In fact, the vertical can have directional characteristics, and not radiate at all in some directions. I hope this clears up that myth once and for all! |
| Sloper | A variation of the vertical, where high winds have affected thin-walled aluminum tubing used in the construction. |
| Inverted Vee | A clever, but inferior, reverse adaptation of the true, "upright Vee", which allows the use of a single support instead of the usual two. |
| Dipole | Another modification of the true "Vee", and used where it is not possible to get the center feed point close to the ground. |
| Ground Plane | Usually, an array of 1/4-wavelength arms extending from the base of some verticals (or "slopers"). These arms are not recommended unless a rotator is also used, to take advantage of their directional features. |
| Directional Coupler | A device inserted into the transmission line which monitors the environment outside the shack, by utilizing the antenna as a remote sensor. For example, when the antenna responds to weather conditions such as severe icing or heavy winds, the coupler will produce indications of these responses. A special directional coupler has even been designed, presumably, to tell you when BIRDs are sitting on your antenna! |
| Smith Chart | An alias, to be used when you don't want people to know what chart you really used to design your antenna. |
| Long Path | The direction you are told to aim your antenna, to work a rare DX station, as suggested by the other fellows in the pileup. |
| Element Spacing | A critical antenna design factor which is optimized to place the tunable traps on a beam as far out of reach as possible, from the tower. |
| Diversity Effect | A property in which the quad-type antenna far excels over the yagi-type antenna. It relates to the number of directions an antenna can collapse into, under heavy winds. |
| Selective Fading | A quirk of propagation, whereby a signal arrives at a distant point by multipath, and where the different signal components arrive with varying phase relationships. This causes the signal to be "cancelled out" at some points. This wonderful effect helps eliminate some of the QRM from distant DX stations when you are trying to copy the pileup. |
| "Off the back of the Antenna" | A technique used by more experienced DX-ers, where the antenna is pointed away from the station being contacted. This creates a challenge similar to running QRP. |
| QRP | Restricting final input power to the transmitter to anything less than 500 watts, on 20 meters. |
| Speech Processor | A "state of the art" device which permits one to communicate with as many others at the same time as possible. However, beginner operators need to learn how to use one properly, to expand the signal beyond a narrow, 3 Khz bandwidth. |
| "IMOKINCALLBK" | An expression used in a CW QSO, to say: "you send me your QSL card first, turkey, and then I'll send you mine". |
| IRC | An economic instrument, adminstered by the Postal Service, to control the balance-of-trade deficit. |
| Parasitic Element | A person who takes lists for DX-stations. |
| LISTS | A method of making DX contacts, where some self-appointed person takes a list "on the air" (aka: his buddies on 2-meters) of people who wish to "work" a person in some DX location. This makes it easy for hams who do not have the patience or time to learn real DX skills to get a quick, easy contact. In fact, if you can't hear the actual report from the foreign station, the list-controller will often help ("...OK, there, WB6xxx, did you hear Jose give you a '59' signal report?"). |
| QSL Manager | The station you worked in Juan De Nova tells you to send a "Green Stamp" to a ham in Germany who is called a "QSL Manager". It is his duty to send your card to a ham in California, who then (after holding it for 8 months) sends you a QSL card. |
Copyright Brett Coningham AB5P 1996
By Jeffrey S. King, N1DJS, jeff.king@cbis.com
(slightly modified for a UK audience by Kerry G1WIK)
**An elmer is (an American term for) the guy you go to, to ask questions about topics in Ham Radio that you don't understand.
In that vein, you know it's time for you to find an Elmer if...
Your friend tells you he has a new two meter radio and you figure one of the meters must be for swr and the other for power out.
You hear a conversation on the low bands about CW and you think they're referring to a Dolly Parton concert.
You hear that someone won a 40 meter radio at a hamfest and you wonder how they are going to get something that large in their house.
You build a morse code key out of perspex and can't figure out why it won't key your radio.
You think the difference between short wave and long wave is the speed at which you move your wrist back and forth.
You're thinking about joining your other ham friends in the local ATV group because you own a Land Rover.
You think a colinear antenna can only be used with two amplifiers.
You think fm is the modulation type that came after em, dm, cm, bm and am.
You wouldn't mind getting into packet radio but no matter how much you practice you can't get the hang of sending those beeps and braps with your keyer.
You wonder what sound a short wave makes and why anyone would want to listen to one.
You think the repeater committee would be a lot happier if instead of talking about their cavities they just went to the dentist and got them filled.
You think a CW ID is the serial number of that latest Dolly Parton album.
(First published in June 1998)
(PS. Don't try this at home kids !!!!!!)
(cartoon courtesy Hewlett Packard.....)
(First
published in June 1998)
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2 litre jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/°F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2 litre reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460°K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 250°C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
(Anon, from the Internet)
(First
published in July 1998)
Helpline: Ford helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a switch that turns on the cars electrical system, then applies power to the starter motor, drawing current from your battery to turn over the engine until it fires.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?
Helpline: Ford helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, air conditioning, CD player, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!
(and, saving the best till last........!!!!!!)
Helpline: Ford helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
Helpline: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what's wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed, and now it won't start!
Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to give me one of your latest models, one that doesn't crash anymore!
(from the Internet)
(First published in August 1998)
![[Image]](../Newsletters/1998news/parc0898/pict0.jpg)
(cartoon courtesy Hewlett Packard.....)
(First
published in September/October 1998)
Things they later probably wished they hadn't said.......
"I do not think that this 'transistor' can ever be worth the immense development cost that has gone into it. It cannot be mass produced and will never be able to handle more than very small signal levels."
- Dr. Thomas James, 1949
"Where the calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers of the future may only use 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, March, 1949
"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are
impossible.
X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, English scientist (1824-1907)
"Space travel is utter bilge."
- Sir Richard van der Riet Wooley, The Astronomer Royal (1956)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- Harry M. Warner, founder of Warner Bros. studio (1927)
"Rail travel at high speeds is not possible, because the passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia."
- Dionysius Lardner, English scientist (1793-1859)
"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility."
- Lee DeForest, American inventor (1873-1961)
"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone."
- Bjarne Stronstrup, inventor of the C++ programming language
"I think there is a world market for about five computers."
- Thomas J. Watson Sr., Chairman of the Board at IBM, 1943
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olsen, president, chairman, and founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977
" I cannot imagine any condition which would cause this ship to founder. I cannot conceive of any vital disaster happening to this vessel. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that."
- E. I. Smith, captain of the Titanic, 1912
(from the Internet)
(First
published in November 1998)
One day, in olden times a scheduled public execution date had arrived. This was a big event - 3 men were slated for execution by guillotine, a priest, a lawyer and an engineer.
The crowd had gathered in anticipation of the blood and gore they were privileged to witness on that bright beautiful day.
When it came time the executioner asked the priest if he had any last requests. The priest said; "Yes let me take a moment to pray to my Lord and God in preparation for meeting my maker." The priest completed his public prayer and laid down in the guillotine. The executioner pulled the lever and the blade came screaming down. To everyone's surprise it came to a screeching stop just inches from the priest's neck. Well the crowd ooohed and aaahed in amazement. Everyone was in agreement that it must be a sign from God so the executioner publicly proclaimed that they should let the priest live, as God had spared his life.
Next up was the lawyer. With his keen intercession skills, said to himself, "If that works for the priest it will surely work for me too!" With his practiced skills of public deception he brought the crowd to their knees with a prayer that shamed the best of the clergy. Feeling fairly confident, for he had even deceived himself, he laid down fully expecting to be a free man within minutes. The executioner pulled the lever, the frame vibrated with the forces of the heavy blade free falling toward the lawyers neck. Again, the heavy steel blade stopped inches from it's target. The crowd stirred in amazement, fear and blood thirst!, as the lawyer sprang to his feet with a loud self righteous proclamation of God's mercy.
Next up was the engineer. No one knew what to expect by now. The quiet spoken engineer simply laid down face up so that he could at least watch the apparatus work. The executioner a little disturbed by the day's events reminded the engineer that he had the opportunity for a last request. The engineer stood up in excitement and said: "HOLD IT, STOP EVERYTHING, I THINK I HAVE FOUND THE PROBLEM !"
from the Internet......
(First
published in December 1998)
![[Image]](../Newsletters/1998news/parc1298/pict2.jpg)
57 ELM STREET - BETHLEHEM, PA.
11:51 P.M. - DECEMBER 24TH
We're too late! It's already been here.
Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
You really think someone's been here?
Someone........ or something.
Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disblievers with jagged chunks of antracite.
But that's legend, Mulder - a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive - and in a hurry.
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.........
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Exactly........ Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
Impossible........
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!
I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
Scully, listen to me: It know when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
But we have no proof.
Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
But that was a meteor shower.
Officially........ Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a Christmas shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to ensure another silent night.
Mulder, I........
Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
On the roof. It sounds like...a clatter.
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
![[Image]](../Newsletters/1998news/parc1298/pict0.jpg)
(from the Internet......)
(First published in February 1999)
You may well have heard the saying that goes 'if cars had evolved at the same rate as computers, we would all be driving new cars costing £25 each and giving 1000 miles to the gallon'. This one has been around for many years, but allegedly a certain multi-billionaire repeated the quote recently........
Imagine the response that Ford or any other car maker could make........
'If we had developed motor technology the way M????$??? develop software, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason, but you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car98" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
9. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. Ford would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Ford 'Motorway Explorer' road maps, even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to remove this accessory would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Ford would become a target for investigation by the American Justice Department.
12. Every time Ford introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as on the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
........from the Internet, slightly modified by myself.
(First published in March/April 1999)
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry A.C. current as compared to D.C.?
Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integratedcircuit?
Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC, goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps rightover the capacitor!"
Interviewer: "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student: "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Interviewer: "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
(smiling)
Student: "Uh -- A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
(hesitantly)
Interviewer: "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(pouncing)
(Student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Interviewer: "Well?"
(impatiently)
Student: "A stepless transformer, sir!"
(triumphantly)
(from the Internet - allegedly based on actual events!)
The
1973 cult classic 'The Wicker Man' is one of my favourite movies. I couldn't resist the
urge to doctor an actual poster for the film a little, to move the action from
'Summerisle' to the 'Isle of Portland', and also provide a little publicity for our Year
2000 AGM. A PARC original.
(First published in March 2000)
Do you have any more humour of an Amateur
Radio, Engineering,
Technology or Computing nature? Then please let us know.......
webmaster@portland-amateur-radio-club.org.uk